On Introversion & Friendship

daffodils
Don’t they look chatty, like they’re telling each other secrets?

I was listening to a really old episode of the EveryBranch podcast with Brooke Snow and Sarah Bray the other day. They did an episode on friendship, and talked about how people who have lots of friends live longer than people who don’t. That statistic is especially pronounced for people who are more reclusive than your average introvert. Ahem.

I think I’d heard that little tidbit before, but for some reason it really struck me this time. I’m literally taking time (weeks? months? years?) off my life by sticking to myself instead of spending time with close friends.

Back when we lived in the surburbs, we had friends who lived right around the corner. They were the kinds of friends who could walk in your front door unannounced, flop down on your couch, and start talking. We spent hours together doing nothing, watching YouTube videos, drinking beer and lounging on our balcony on a Friday night when we didn’t have the energy to do anything else. It was great!

The surburbs ultimately weren’t the best fit for us, even though those friends totally were. When we moved into the city to be closer to professional development opportunities and the Philly tech scene, Chad was commuting to Manhattan every day, so it didn’t make sense to invest socially because he was exhausted. When he finally started working remotely, it seemed like we spent most of our time going to all the meetups! All the tech events! To some degree, for the first year or two we lived in the city, the Philly tech scene kind of filled the role of the church and deep friend base we had in the suburbs. I’ve made really wonderful acquaintances and friends from it, but it’s not the same as having family-level friends right around the corner. We’re all super busy working, organizing and attending event after event, building side projects, and learning more in our ever-dwindling free time.

As an often-too busy introvert, I work in an office with an open floor plan all week, have meetings or meetups or other obligations most evenings of the week, and I go out of town pretty often on the weekend. So when I do have downtime, I’d rather spend it watching The West Wing with Chad and our cats than organize a social activity with people I kinda-sorta know but want to get to know better.

But then I find myself, on a random chilly Sunday afternoon, wishing I had other people in my living room, drinking hot spiked cider and playing with my cats. In this dream scenario, we have no agenda. There’s no reason for these mythical other people to be in my house other than that we enjoy doing nothing in particular together.

And now, it does feel a little like a missed opportunity. Like maybe we did have hidden BFFs somewhere in this city who we just haven’t found. But it also seems a little late to start fervently looking for them and investing the time to find out if they’re “the ones.”

Do you have friends like these? How do you find them as an adult?


Comments

5 responses to “On Introversion & Friendship”

  1. Adulting is hard. I think I’m in a weird space where I have lots of different friend groups. We have our creative business friends, our “social’ friends, mom/workout friends, and “old” friends. I am a weird introvert where I do think it’s important to nourish those relationships on top of all of the other crazy things I’m doing: business, podcast, meetups, traveling, raising a toddler, but working from home does allow me more time to be flexible during the weekday. I do enjoy just crashing out on the couch and being alone a lot more now than I did a few years ago just because I’m giving. My short advice is just set a regular coffee meetup once a week with a prospective good friend and see where things can bloom from there. We definitely no longer have the “come crash on the couch all day” friendships but I like what we have.

    1. I really like that suggestion. With my upcoming less-officially-structured, self-employed life just around the corner, I’m looking forward to having more energy to make friends and the flexibility for coffee meetups with potential new friends.

    2. Solid suggestion. I might just have to do the same. Thanks, Angel!

  2. I don’t have these friends, but every sitcom I ever watched growing up led me to believe I would have them. I realized this week that I don’t think I’ve had a real conversation with a person in two weeks – a conversation that didn’t have an objective – and it sent me into hot mess mode. Why are these types of friendships so hard to develop as adults? I really love the sound of friends being able to come into your house whenever you want and having people to talk to about nothing. I guess in the city everybody’s always on a mission and you need to find people who have the same mission on the same schedule, which is nearly impossible to come by. Also. Yes, you’re an introvert, but every time I see you is in a social situation. I think the key is that the social situation needs to feel easy and not invoke too much stress. Then you’re all set to go. That sounds really lovely actually. (Which is a phrase I can actually hear you saying out loud as I’m typing it.)

    1. Gah, I miss you. The thing about people in the city being on a mission and needing to find someone with the same mission and the same schedule is totally true and I think it’s really wise and perceptive of you to articulate that. I need to find a way to manufacture social situations that feel easy without invoking too much stress, especially here in my new spot. Hmm.

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